Why working remotely is better for all of us
Double-dipping chips in the office lunch buffet line is just one good reason
Did you ever see the video of the major league baseball player who got on first base and pulled down his pants to situate himself, his uniform and whatnot, only to feel embarrassed that he was disrobing in front of thousands of fans? Not to mention however many were watching on TV?
That’s me. Except I’m mingling among co-workers in the buffet line at the company’s first-quarter banquet. This is what you do, right? This is why you called us all back to the office. Sharing casual conversation while snacking on catered fried foods. No need for a water cooler when there’s a free-flowing foundation of queso goodness right here.
I see everyone staring at me. It took me a good 4–5 chips in before I realized why. I’m a double-dipper.
“I’M A DOUBLE-DIPPER!” There. I said it. I admit it. For the past 18 months, I’ve done this freely sitting in my sweatpants and a band hoodie I’ve had since high school. I’m pretty sure I’ve double-dipped chips while on Zoom calls with you guys before. You weren’t judging me then!
But while I’m here, half-eaten chip in hand with queso dripping on the lower part of my clip-on tie, let me confess all of my in-office sins to you.
The thick brown and yellow layer of frosting missing from the corner of Larry’s retirement cake? Yeah, that was me.
Look, the cake was asymmetrical. The lower-left corner has an obviously thicker portion of frosting. Me? Yeah, I helped even it out a little. And no, I didn’t know at the time that was a part of the cake’s decor. That the corner of icing I lifted with my pointer finger and directly placed into my mouth was actually the right talon of an eagle. An eagle taking flight symbolizing Larry’s “lift-off” into retirement.
How was I to know that he was a big fan of eagles? All I know is the vending machine was all out of the new fudge brownie Snickers bars. Larry’s cake was right there, unattended. Sue me. If it’s any consolation the frosting wasn’t that great tasting anyways. Blame that on Debra from HR. Secret’s out, Debbie. Nobody thinks your cakes are that great.
Sheila, do you remember that week last June when someone stole your Diet Coke from the fridge every single day? That was me. My wife was on a “let’s only drink water” kick, so I brought my 32-ounce Stanley stainless steel tumbler. To refill with water. Every day.
But by 10:30 Monday morning, I was over it. Did I want to blow my “not even half a day old diet” on Diet Coke? Not at all. I’m not Charles Barkley. But desperate times, desperate measures. I had no cash for the machine, so I looked to see what the break room refrigerator had to offer. Here’s a list of the pathetic options I found:
Value Brand Coffee Creamer. Free for anyone to use. Not that anyone would.
A half-empty bottle of apple juice. I think it was Cassie’s. I only think that because there was a smiley face on the lid written in pink Sharpie. I also didn’t want to drink after someone.
Several different reusable water bottles. Most appeared to be mixed with some form of a fruity powder. I don’t want to get involved in that world.
An unopened 2-liter of Mountain Dew with BRAD written in black marker, all caps. I have not nor will I ever mess with anything of Brad’s since the tragic “Roast Beef Sandwich” mishap of 2016.
A pint of goat’s milk. That had to be Claire’s. Homemade, straight from the goat’s teat. No thanks.
One 12-ounce can of Diet Coke, unopened. It was placed directly beside a brown paper bag that may or may not have had Sheila written on it.
I apologize, Sheila. When the email went out later that Monday decrying whoever had mistakenly taken your Diet Coke, I should’ve been man enough to confess then.
When your email to everyone came Wednesday afternoon with the fury of 10 accountants facing an end-of-the-month deadline, typing in all caps the subject line STOP TAKING MY DIET COKE, that should’ve been my signal to….stop taking your Diet Coke. But I just needed a reprieve from the water diet. You understand, right?
And yes, I felt equally guilty on Thursday and Friday when I snuck that saccharine-sweetened beverage from the fridge into the men’s bathroom. Why there? Because that was the only place I could be certain you wouldn’t catch me gulping down your soda.
So I’m sorry you went a week without your Diet Coke, but just imagine the looks I got from co-workers when I made slurping and swallowing noises from inside the bathroom stall only to step out into a sea of bewildered faces. You don’t know that shame, Sheila.
Alas, my hijinks were not limited to stealing food and beverages. There was the day we all went out for Mexican at lunch and that whole afternoon I was laboring through gas pains. I told everyone I walked past that I thought Bob in sales had a bad burrito or something. But — I confess — it was me. I was the one stinking up the office, not Bob. (I do chuckle inside when I think about Bob not being invited to eat with us for the next few weeks.)
Then there was the baby shower for Alexis. Yes, I got the email. Yes, I accepted the virtual invite. No, I didn’t realize she was having a boy. So when I showed up with a pink baby blanket wrapped in pink wrapping paper I quickly changed the “from” label on the card to Janice’s name. You should’ve seen her face when the gift was open and the card was read aloud: Girls rule, boys drool!
Janice had no words. But it was clearly her name on the package.
I managed to send Alexis an email later that day.
“So sorry my gift didn’t arrive on time for your precious baby boy. I’ve sent you a $50 Amazon card to make up for it. Again, my apologies. P.S. What was the deal with Janice’s gift? Someone wasn’t paying attention at the gender reveal LOL!”
So there you have it. Consider this my great resignation. I admit to being the most mediocre employee in the company’s rich history. I’m sure you all hate me and are disgusted with me. Any pens, staplers, or family picture frames I’ve borrowed I’ll be sure to place back at your desk. Except yours, Debbie.
I’ll finish this chip and pack up my things. Not much else to say here. I guess if anyone knows of any job opportunities anywhere, let me know. Other than that, I’ll say goodbye. Oh, and one more thing.
I think Bob ate burritos for lunch again.