I just stepped outside. It's colder than it was when I first got to Vee's place. That was a few hours ago and the sun was still up. Now it's probably like eight o'clock or something. I told Vee I just needed some air. But I'm walking down the stairs now, away from the apartment door.
The night just looks cold. I know people think South Carolina doesn't get that cold in winter, but I swear to God it's below-freezing out here. I'm wearing my Air Force Ones, but as hot as these shoes look, they ain't warmin' up my feet at all right now.
And it's quiet. Like, the kind of quiet that only happens because normal people aren't stupid enough to be outside. There ain't no one talkin', no dogs barking, no nothin'. Just real quiet. But I can't go back inside. Not right now. So I start walking toward the road, to the sidewalk that leads away from Hillvue Apartments to downtown.
It's not long 'til I see the street lights. Freddie's is all lit up with a half-dozen cars in the parking lot. I remember real quick that I'm wearing a hoodie but just as I start to pull the hood over my frozen ears, I think twice. A black dude out alone at night? Nah. I ain't tryin' to get Trayvoned out here. I shake my head at the thought and pick at a piece of hamburger stuck in my teeth. Vee cooked us frozen pizzas, the kind you can fit perfectly into a microwave. For a minute I'm so caught up in using my fingernail as floss and trying to not look suspicious at the same time that I almost forget why I came out here walking to begin with.
Vee is pregnant.
Mom is gonna kill me. Worse, she's gonna torture me with her screams and tears, then Dad’ll finish me off. But I swear we were careful! We didn't even do it that much. Maybe like, five or six times. It's her Ma's fault. She's never home, working two jobs. I could go to my place right now and guarantee one of my folks is there. We're just 16. We can't be trusted to be left alone. Right? I gotta be real, though. I've told my folks every single time I come over to Vee's that her Ma is here.
I walk past Freddie's, trying to look cool. Casual. Just another brother enjoying a cold as hell night on the town. Pangs of guilt poke at my ribs. I left Vee all alone in her bedroom. When she told me she was pregnant, she started to tear up. The crying just got worse when I asked her, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, Marcus. I took two tests."
"For real? Where'd you get pregnancy tests, Vee?"
"From the store, Marcus! Where do you think?" I could hear the fear in her voice. She was scared to tell me. Then I asked how far along she was. We sat beside each other on the bed. She looked down, almost whispering.
"Three months."
"Three months? Vee, three months? What the F-” I stopped myself remembering Vee hated it when I cussed in front of her. I stood up, throwing my hands on top of my head like it was the most unbelievable thing I'd ever heard. Because it was.
I paced the bedroom floor. Back and forth. Back and forth. Trying to breathe. Trying to think. You know how it is when you hear some really bad news, and your mind does this thing where it goes back to the last happy moment you had before hearing the news? I was thinking back to just an hour before, sitting on the couch watching Fresh Prince reruns. I thought back to earlier, before school, balling with the team in the gym before first bell. For some reason, I thought back to three summers ago, building sandcastles on the beach with my little sister Tasha.
Then I messed up. I mean, I messed up real bad. I kept pacing in front of Vee while she sat with her hands in her lap. I stopped right in front of her and looked her dead in the eye. "I mean, how do I even know it's mine?"
At that moment, I wondered if the pizza we ate was bad or something, because I started feeling sick. Like that feeling you get when you're playing pick-up basketball and someone knees you accidentally in the nuts. I felt sick. I still feel it, right now, walking past Freddie's.
Vee looked up at me like I sucked the breath right from her lungs. She didn't say anything. Her chin quivered. She's been my ride-or-die since two summers ago when she was hanging out with her friends near the courts at school. I was tying my shoes and looked up to see her looking at me, giving a small grin before going back to whatever homework she was doing. I tried so hard the rest of that game to impress her. I was throwing up shots every time I touched the ball like Kobe. I missed like half of 'em. Must've been the half she didn't see because she hung out after the game and gave me her number. She's been faithful to me. For me to insinuate differently in that moment...man. I might as well have stuck a knife in her chest.
My words hung in the air. For a second I thought about reaching my hands up to pull them back. But it was too late. How do I even know it's mine? Vee was speechless. Catatonic. I looked at her in horror. A bigger man would salvage that moment. A bigger man, maybe a man like my dad would immediately get down on his knees and beg forgiveness. I considered running to the bathroom to throw up. But I just said, "I need to get some air."
Vee is short for Vienna. Her mom loved the movie Sound of Music growing up and really loved all the scenery. She always wanted to name her first daughter Vienna. It was all good until 6th grade when some punk kid started calling her Sausage. You know, like Vienna Sausages? And you can imagine a girl getting called Sausage in middle school, how that name would take on other unappealing connotations. But she's been Vee to me for forever. Sometimes when she starts actin' all crazy and like a diva I call her Veyonce. But that doesn't go over too well.
I'm out walking, past Freddie's and to the heart of downtown. Small businesses in rows on both sides of the street. They almost all close at 5:00. I wish at least Mr. Foster's candy shop was open. A Caramello would distract my mind. My breath makes little clouds that swirl away over my head as I walk. From a distance, someone might think I'm smoking. But nah. Just sorting out what being a dad at 16 will look like.
I remember my phone in my pocket. I pull it out and the screen lights up. No texts or calls. Nothing from Vee. Nothing from nobody. I pull up my music app and put my earbuds in. Maybe some music will help. I play a Kendrick album.
I'm a sinner
who's probably gonna sin again
Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me
things I don't understand
Funny how a song can say the exact words you're thinking. Like the singer knows what you need to hear. I come up to the barbershop. I stand there, looking out the window. The empty chairs, the different clippers and combs laid out on the table. I remember Dad bringing me here when I couldn't even talk yet. The jar of lollipops is still there, the one I would always pull from after getting a fresh cut. Even now if there's no one around after I get down from the chair I'll sneak a red sucker into my pocket. I wonder what flavor my son will sneak into his pockets one day.
I swallow nothing. My throat is dry. I want to blame the cold air, but it's the thought that just hit me. How Vee is gonna disappoint her ma. Her ma gave birth to Vee at 16. Now her baby girl, her only girl, is gonna repeat the cycle. If my mom and dad don't kill me, I can almost bet on a solid butt-kicking from Vee's ma.
I gotta figure this out. What do I do next? I don't even know who to talk to. My folks are the last people I'm gonna approach on this. The red glow of the soda machine past the barbershop calls me. I reach for my wallet, desperate for a Cherry Pepsi. Anything to get this taste out of my mouth. But not only did I leave my wallet in Vee's bedroom, I feel paper crinkle in my right back pocket.
A letter from a college. Mom handed it to me before I left the house earlier. I ripped it open. It was from a basketball coach. I don't even remember the name of the school. Saint Joseph's? Saint Mary's? I think it was Saint something. I was too excited to pay attention to the logo. It just said the coach was interested in coming to our game next week. Next week! Yo, if I can get a scholarship to play ball somewhere, that would be dope! I start to pull the envelope from my pocket but stop myself. I close my eyes. Wonder if they let freshman students put cribs in their dorms.
I don't even know where I'm walking to. I probably should walk back to Vee's. I just don't know what to even say. I'm not ready to be a father. She'd be a great mom. But at 16? I need to think through options. The cold air makes everything worse. I'm zoned out on another Kendrick song when I see a man locking the doors of a church. New Life Baptist Fellowship the sign reads. It's an old building. Can't hold more than 100 or so by the looks of it. When the man turns around, he looks startled. In my head, I'm thinking Yeah, yeah, a black teen with a hoodie alone at night. Better call the cops.
He gathers himself and nods. "Good evening." He's carrying a box with both hands. I just give a nod back and walk on past.
For some reason, I turn around. "Excuse me...mister?" The man turned. "Yes? Can I help you?"
I stop and pull out my left earbud. He looks at me with confusion, probably because I haven't said anything yet. I don't know what to say. Then I remember where I am and the building the man came from. "Are you a preacher or something?"
"Yes, I am." He shifted the box to rest on one arm and stuck out a hand. "Skip Willing. Nice to meet you." Before I could ask him what kind of name for a pastor Skip is, I was sticking out my hand. "Marcus. Marcus Harrison."
"Hello, Marcus. It's good to know you. Anything I can help you with?"
"Well, not really. I mean, I don't know if you can. I'm in a weird place."
Skip nodded. "Tell you what. Let me stick this box in my car and we can go inside to my office."
His office was exactly like you'd think a white preacher's office would look like. Shelves full of thick books on all kinds of subjects. A leather chair that rolls and a Mac sitting atop a long desk. Papers covered almost all the space.
"Marcus, are you from around here?"
"Yeah. I go to Jackson High."
"Okay, great! What year?"
"I'm a junior, sir."
Skip nodded approvingly. "Thinking about college when you graduate?" I felt the envelope bend as I shifted in my chair. "Um, not really. Not yet anyway."
"You've got time. Don't rush the process." He paused for a few seconds. "What's got you out walking around in this cold?" I didn't want to waste Preacher Skip's time. He's got places to be. And frankly, I do too. I'm just doing all I can to avoid going to that place.
"I just found out my girlfriend's pregnant." The space in the office suddenly felt more claustrophobic. I pulled on the neck of my hoodie. I shifted my eyes from Skip to the window.
"Hmm...I see. And how do you feel about that?" I wasn't expecting that question. I guess I was waiting for him to pull out a Bible and slap me across the face with it.
"Well, honestly I'm scared to death." Skip nodded slowly and gave a slight grin. "I know the feeling." He pointed to a picture of his family: a wife, a son, a daughter.
“Fatherhood is not for the faint of heart.” The preacher held up the frame of his family and looked at it. He sat it back down and looked at me.
“Yeah. That’s why I know I’m not ready for it. Babies are hard. I mean, real hard. Right?” He laughed “Yep. No doubt about that. Not sure either of us got a full night of sleep during our son’s first year.”
He leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs. He put his hands together under his chin. Now he was really looking like a preacher.
“Marcus, what’s your girlfriend’s name, if I might ask?”
“Vienna.”
He gave a big smile. “That’s a beautiful name. Unique!” I explained how her mom loved the Sound of Music and all that. He nodded and said he enjoyed it too.
“I call her Vee.”
“How is Vee feeling?” I didn’t really know, so I just guessed. “Scared, I think.”
He gave a serious look. “Marcus, I bet she’s terrified beyond belief.” I swallowed. My throat felt like it was full of dust. “You got something to drink in here?”
“Sure. Be right back.” He left and brought back a bottle of water.
“So you and Vee. Both 16?”
“Yessir.”
“And scared.”
“Yessir.”
“How long have you known?”
I looked at the time on my phone. “Like, not even an hour.”
“I see. Well, like I said, being a dad is hard work. It was hard for me at 23. It’s hard for me now at 40. I’m sure it would be hard at 16.”
“For sure. I don’t think I can do it.” I looked up at him in a way where I didn’t want him to know I was looking at him. I kinda knew his type. The ones who don’t think there’s another option. The ones who say it’s all just a consequence of your actions. I smoothed my pants. Picked a piece of fuzz off my hoodie.
“Marcus, sometimes the way God prepares us for hard things is by letting us go through hard things.”
I gave him a confused look. But after a few seconds, I think I understood.
“So you sayin’ Vee should keep it? The baby, I mean.”
“I’m saying that whatever the two of you decide will not be easy. Whatever it is.”
A little time went by. I didn’t know what to say, so I stood up.
"I probably should go. You got places to be, I'm sure."
"Yeah." Skip looked out the window. Every few seconds, tiny white dots fell down. South Carolina was getting snow for the first time in forever.
"Marcus, one more thing. Well, two actually."
"Yeah?" I glanced at my phone again. Still nothing from Vee.
"Do you love her? Do you love Vee?"
I shrugged. "I mean...yeah. We've been together forever."
"Then love her well. Even when it's inconvenient. Even when it hurts. Even when everything's a mess and nothing makes sense. Even when you're scared to death."
I swallowed, taking another sip of my water. "Yessir."
I shook his hand. "What was the other thing?" He handed me a card with his number. "If you ever need anything or just want someone to talk to, call me. Text me. Whatever. I'm around."
"Cool. Thanks."
He walked me out of the office and back out to the road. The snow was light, but falling steadily. Before Skip got in his car, he shook my hand again. "Take care, Marcus." He opened the door and got in.
"Hey, Skip."
"Yeah?"
"What's in the box? The big one you were carrying before?" He gave a big, goofy smile. "A birthday cake. My baby girl turned 13 today." I gave a slight nod. He waved as he pulled away. I waved back, looking at the tail lights. Looking at the snow falling.
The walk back to Vee's was even colder, so I didn't care about avoiding any uncomfortable situations. I slid my earbuds back in and pulled my hood over my head tight. Vee consumed my thoughts. I wasn't in the mood for hip-hop anymore. No Kendrick or Cole or anyone. I pulled up the playlist Vee made for me. I tapped one of her favorite songs. One her mom told her she listened to when she was in high school back in the day. A Lauryn Hill song.
Every time Vee plays it I think about springtime. It's probably because of how the song starts with birds chirping. It just feels like spring. The piano. Then a steady drum beat.
It could all be so simple
but you'd rather make it hard
loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
When I hear this song, especially when Vee isn't with me, I can't help but think of her. How she closes her eyes when she sings this one section.
Tell me who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will
She sways her head. She lifts her hands. When she sings the word reciprocity, it's like honey dripping off her tongue. Her height is barely five feet, but her voice is twenty stories tall.
I get back to Hillvue's parking lot, still without a clue about what to do. There's a clinic on the other side of town. That's what makes the most sense. I need to hear Vee out. What's her head like right now? How's she feeling? The snow falls harder. Any other day, thinking about the chance school might get called off tomorrow would be the highlight of our day. But tonight, the snow just seems like a nuisance. I want to grab Vee and stand out here with her catching flakes with our tongues. I want to laugh, dodging her snowballs. I want to do anything but face what's in front of me. What's behind this green apartment door on the second floor.
I find the key tucked under the welcome mat and unlock the door. I can hear the shower running. Vee usually got her showers right before she went to bed, so I'm sure she's exhausted. My heart sinks thinking back to the words I said before I left.
I stop by the bathroom door and knock. "Hey, Vee. It's me. I'm back. Can we talk?" She doesn't respond. I press my ear to the door. I think I hear whimpering. She must be crying. I close my eyes, the guilt bubbling up my throat. I knock again and turn the knob slowly. "Yo, Vee, can I come in?"
The room is steamy. The mirror is fogged up. I can't see much at first. But I hear Vee crying. No, she's sobbing. And then I stop. Drops of blood tinge the white mat on the floor. Specks of red trace a trail from the toilet to the bathtub. I pull back the curtain and there's Vee, curled up, scalding water streaming on her skin.
"Oh my God, Vee! What's wrong? What happened?" She said nothing. She just pointed a jittery finger back at the toilet. I stepped over and looked in. Clumps of bloody tissue floating. Immediately I felt dizzy. Sick. So sick. I clutched the side of the sink with both hands. I still couldn't see my face in the mirror. I wiped the fog away and breathed in deep. I turned back around.
"Vee, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I'm so sorry." She didn't look at me. She just kept whispering. "She's gone."
Later that night Vee told me what happened. She was having pain earlier in the day. She didn't know she was miscarrying. And after I left the worst of it happened. After she told me, her ma got home. We told her everything. Then when I got home, I told my parents everything. And I don't know what of anything that happened made me feel more like a grown-up, but for some reason, I kept thinking about Skip sitting down and watching his daughter blow out birthday candles.
In that moment in the bathroom, once I wiped the fog away and could see my reflection, I did what I thought I should do. I reached into the tub and turned off the water. I pulled a towel from the rack and draped it over Vee, wrapping her tight. I climbed in the tub and I held her. And she cried. She cried so hard and strong I wondered how her small frame sustained it. For the longest time, we sat in the tub, me cradling her. Neither of us said a word because everything had already been said.
When the tears stopped, when she seemed like she was in a place of calm, I kissed her forehead. I stroked her hair and whispered. "Vee, guess what? It's snowing outside."
Great work on this story, Eddie. I really like how transitioned to each different scene. This line really stood out to me: "Vee looked up at me like I sucked the breath right from her lungs."
Great storyline,Eddie. Kept my interest right down to the last paragraph!!! I would love to see what direction you would take this in a series of short stories! Give it some consideration…for your Dad!!!!